Hairy Obsessions
by Ominous-Shadow
Summary: Roronoa Zoro is obsessed with hair: Body Hair. Why? For many reasons. Probably more reasons than he can think of. But one of those reasons is why he decided to buy a suit. ZoSan


**Hairy Obsessions**

**

* * *

**Zoro is hairless—except for the green mop on his head and the bush above his...well, anyway; hairless!

And, despite what everyone believes, he isn't _naturally_ hairless. He didn't miraculously receive incredible genes from his parents for this lack of hair. He isn't some sort of alien from a distant planet. Nor did he singe and burn the hair off in the early stages of his childhood.  
He sometimes wonders what everyone would think if they found out. Their faces in shock or indifference. Revulsion? He really doesn't care. Doesn't need their opinion. Just his own.

...but he doesn't like people knowing. Doesn't want them to know.

He doesn't want Luffy to find out, nor Robin, Nami, Usopp—Anyone!

Especially not Sanji.  
Sanji can _never_ find out.

Ever.

Whether this is because of some insecurity or a vanity problem he isn't sure. All he knows is that he never likes to shave while people are awake, within his vicinity or even when they can't see him.  
Usually he does it on his watch up in the Crows nest—late at night—when the moon shines white light upon him, giving just enough glow to see the hairs as he destroys them. Kills them like enemies; Slice. Slice. Slice.

Minus the blood, of course.

Why does he like to be virtually hairless? In all honesty, Zoro likes the way female legs look. The silkiness, smoothness, flawlessness, and just the overall appeal. Female legs seem to carry this...glow, or something, that is attractive. He figures it's due to the lack of hair—or perhaps lotion.  
But anyway, he envies the hairless skin—even though he's pretty sure the girls naturally have hairy legs and underarms but have a variety of hair-removal techniques of their own.

Even with his attraction to female legs, Zoro doesn't like women.  
Not in _that_ way.  
He just wants the legs.

He wants to have smooth girly legs...but without the girliness.  
More manly.  
He wants manly-girl legs.

Zoro keeps his razor hidden in the bathroom. Or, more specifically, the bathroom piping under the sink. Months ago he realized there was an empty shell of piping that he could remove and hide mini objects in—his razor, ties that Sanji trashed, a random collection of beer bottle caps...whatever...  
He uses it to hide a bit of everything.

One thing he doesn't hide is cream.

Zoro doesn't use shaving cream. He doesn't want the Cook to notice his cream missing or used or anything. Because Sanji is a compulsive freak. The man shaves his upper lip and the underside of his chin—always missing a little bit (whether purposely or not) and he is very anal about his facial care. One sign of anything having been used and the man paroles the ship looking for someone to kill. Kick. Torture. Annoy.

No, Zoro doesn't use cream. Instead, he borrows some of the cooking oil's from the Cook's kitchen. Even if the blond knows they are missing, he automatically assumes Usopp took them for his little mechanical creations. Usopp always has a habit of taking things of Sanji's—like once he took a couple pans and a bread knife. God only knows what he used them for. And Zoro has a few ideas, but that's another story-

Sanji doesn't get on Usopp about those things anymore, although he used to kick the poor guy into and through walls. Usopp received his share of bruises, bumps and shoe prints along his body.  
Sanji probably stopped because he got tired of fixing walls. Nami always makes him fix what he breaks, and he does it with silly hearts in his eyes—a slave on an invisible leash.

He would probably jump off a bridge if that woman gave order.

So, Zoro uses oil.  
It isn't the cleanest way to shave, nor is it the smartest way to shave, but it gets the job done. The oil is slick enough to let the blades glide across his skin without damage, yet allows them to get close enough to the skin to chop the hairs at the base. But, as he mentioned, it is slick. And the slickness often makes the blade slide too fast and_ boom_! he gets a cut.

Cuts only appear once every couple months...  
usually when he isn't being careful  
like after Marines attack or a fight with other pirates.

After shaving, he uses sea water to clean himself off and rinse the razor and quickly stores it away in the pipe. Returning minutes later to resume watch.

Zoro doesn't like shaving, but he likes the smooth skin. Shaving is annoying. A hassle. He hates it.  
But the hairless skin calls to him. So much so that he even shaves his underarms and the stubble that is suddenly beginning to grow upon his upper lip and beneath his chin. He even shaves the little hairs on his toes.

Call it an obsession, but Zoro can't stand hair on his body.  
Except _down there_ and on his head. But he is beginning to have concerns about the hair _down there_. He doesn't know what to do with it.  
Trim it?  
Shave it?  
Cut it?  
He's sure there is some sort of maintenance he _should_ be doing, but he isn't sure what it is and deciding not to mutilate his goods he's chosen, for the time being, to leave the delicate curls alone.

Yet, even with his so-called obsession with hairlessness, Zoro doesn't mind it.  
The hair.  
On _other_ people.

Sanji doesn't shave his legs, but it suits him. And it's kind of sexy. With the little stubble on his chin (accidental or not), Sanji is a Sex-God. The man has no hairy underarms or toes and Zoro finds himself to be quite envious of this, but he doesn't put much thought into it. The green-eyed-monster isn't something he wants in his life.

Plus...obsessions with body image sometimes turn dangerous. He's seen it happen before.  
Mostly to girls.  
He isn't a girl, but...you know,  
it _can_ happen.

Zoro likes to be hairless not only for himself but because he wants to attract the attention of a certain _someone_.  
A certain idiot who  
falls for every single piece of ass with tits  
and treats them like Goddesses.

The Cook.

Zoro developed a crush on Sanji the day following the events that happened with Princess Vivi and Alabaster. The Cook just randomly looked delicious, edible, amazing. He glowed. And every smile made his heart flip—even if that smile was directed elsewhere (to women). He began to love the little quiver of the lips when the blond needed a cigarette and the slight tilt of his head when something didn't make sense, the days when the blond hair becomes frizzy with humidity and the nights when Sanji literally passes out in bed after an exhausting hour of cleaning dinner dishes.

Zoro began noticing the little things  
and loving them.

Sanji has that certain something about him that is...lovable. Adorable.  
Attractive.  
The man is sweet. Kind. Generous.  
Gentle  
...to a point.

And Zoro loves him for it. Loves that foul mouth, that brilliant blue eye, the shiny blond locks, that swirly brow.

Everything!

But...Sanji, from the very beginning, made it clear that only women were for him. That he was straighter than straight. Because of that Zoro wants to be as close to womanly as possible  
...without being a woman (ie. Hairless body).

He's noticed a few glances his way, caught a lingering eye and even thinks he saw the Cook blush on more than one occasion. But maybe it's all in his head. His imagination. Maybe all that he thinks he's seen is not really what he saw. Maybe it was all directed to the women and he, because of his love, assumes it was for him.  
But, nonetheless, he's noticed _something_.

This began a year ago and still, to this day,  
he doesn't know how the Cook feels about him. Doesn't know where they stand with each other. Doesn't know what the Cook thinks of him.  
Doesn't know if they are  
Friends.  
Enemies.  
Allies.

None of the above...?

He doesn't want to continue questioning—traveling down the path of assumption and confusion. He wants answers. Revelations. Something!  
So, tonight, he plans on asking the Cook—Sanji—to join him for a drink (beer) while he goes on watch in the crows nest. Maybe ask the blond to make something special, like Sushi. Then, he plans to talk. Explain a few things. Or maybe kiss. He's not sure which should come first, but he's pretty sure he'll figure it out when the time comes.

Earlier this morning, he bought a suit. Not very fancy. Not very expensive. But nice. A dark gray tuxedo with a white men's blouse underneath. He thinks it looks nice. Hopes he looks nice. The man who helped him get a fitting told him it looked nice  
...if that means anything.

Sanji will be quick to tell him if he looks like an ape.

He plans on slipping a note underneath the bathroom door when the Cook takes a shower. A note telling him where to be, what to bring (food) and who the note is from (can't forget that!)

But first,  
Zoro needs to shave.  
He wants some manly girl legs for this night.

Because

he might just

get lucky.

* * *

R&R Please!  
I hope you enjoyed!  
Quite an odd story, hm? This idea just popped into my head and I just had to write it, and I'm quite happy with how it turned out.  
This is my very first **One Piece** fanfiction, so I hope I managed to keep Zoro in-character.

And yes, the odd form of this writing is intentional. I was experimenting with style. XD


End file.
